Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
We like the way Dwight thinks
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday