Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
He wanted to make sure😂
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”