1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’ve had relationships like this
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[montage of me giving-up]
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency