JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
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My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there