judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
You Might Also Like
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Home is where your toilet is.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”