Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“TGIM!” – My liver
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)