Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: