Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
There’s never enough good news
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early