Sorry not sorry.
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DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
fourth time’s the charm
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Who says great literature is dead?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.