When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
😬
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff