Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites