Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.