Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
The fall of Netflix
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”