Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“What?”
– Jude
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas