Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
there’s probably a fee though
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.