new shirt idea
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can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.