judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her