Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
*3.5 thank you very much.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.