*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
when mom throws a party…
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.