*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Sex so good you see dead people.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
When I snag the last meatball.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My Sentiments Exactly
This 4th of July, please remember…
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”