My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
worst…sale…ever
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now