I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
That’s enough internet for the day
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”