Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
You got this…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”