I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.