judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*