Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
when u come home smelling like another dog
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.