Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Imma just leave this here…………