Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
A friend sent me this.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.