Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
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Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Yup.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
No way!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”