Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.