judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
who wore it better?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Hey i am sexy to you now
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.