Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Tony Hawk, age 6
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Planet of the Apps.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!