Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?