JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!