JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
so weird how every mom was born today
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…