JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
kevin is now a local weatherman
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Noted.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Okay