judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant