JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.