Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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#Caturday
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.