I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
as is their right
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
#MeanwhileinCanada
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.