*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
moms in horror movies
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
🤣🤣💀
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.