Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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my professor scared me for a second
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.