Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me sliding into hell like
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Every haunted house movie:
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.