JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Netflix and you sit over there.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I didn’t come here to be called names
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance