JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
You Might Also Like
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably