Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Britain be like
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.