Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.