Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
This is my cat’s medicine.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“I’m helping” 😅
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home