I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.