Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Can. I. Help. You.